I swear she didn't look like that last week.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
