There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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