I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
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my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
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I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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