Cold hands, warm shart.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
