I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
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I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
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After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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