Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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