We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize