Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
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Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
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I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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