so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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