she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
