why didn't you poke me back
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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