My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
