A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
