If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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