I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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