my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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