Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
