turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
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