I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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