omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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