Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
