No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
