Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
