Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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