i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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