I just made out with a guy for $7.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
