If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
My life is pants optional.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
