i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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