HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
