I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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