What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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