i need an iv and a liver transplant
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Randomize
