New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm like, not good at living.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
