So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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