My hand turned me down
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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