His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
