when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize
