I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
