so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
