If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
