I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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