Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
