Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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