Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
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Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
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If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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