I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
