I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Just took my morning after pill in the library
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
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