My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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