My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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