last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
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