Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
