Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
