matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
