"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
