I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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