So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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