It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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